Dear AR15 Owner: Carry with Confidence

Dear AR15 Owner: Carry with Confidence
by Thomas Pease
(A version of this satire ran in the May 9-15, 2019 edition of The Anchorage Press.)

Dear Valued AR15 Owner:

You are receiving this notice because our records show you currently own, or have purchased in the past, our AR15 assault rifle. First, thank you for choosing the AR as your weapon of choice.

Media coverage of a recent mass shooting outside San Diego identified our firearm as the weapon used in this incident. Most disturbing, however, is that investigations reveal this particular AR15 jammed mid-event. Only two victims expired, and three others survived their injuries. By  all accounts, the shooter had many more victims in his sights.

Our trademark is precision and reliability. Our product is designed to deliver a rapid fire response with the touch of a finger. During this incident, we fell short of providing the lethality you have come to expect. We can and will do better.

We pledge to conduct our own, independent investigation to determine the cause of this product failure and to correct it immediately. We have interviewed victims, witnesses, peace officers, and the shooter himself, to ascertain exactly what went wrong. We will also recover the confiscated weapon and attempt to replicate this malfunction in our lab. Our ballistics experts, weapons engineers, and machinists will work 24-7 to determine which component failed and to correct any shortcoming they might find.

Upon the conclusion of our investigation, we will contact you immediately with our findings and inform you of any actions you might need to take to ensure the continued safe and responsible enjoyment of our product. We apologize for any inconvenience this mechanism malfunction may have caused you.

Based on countless tests on identical weapons in our inventory, we believe this jamming event to be an isolated incident specific to a single weapon. For this reason, we deem your AR15 safe to operate. If, however, you no longer trust the AR15 to defend your freedom, then we encourage you to ship your firearm to us free of charge for a complementary inspection followed by an active shooter simulation test.

Please note the AR15 was the overwhelming weapon of choice for shooters since the inception of mass shootings, a resounding endorsement of just how effective our product is. We hope that the mass shooter’s choice will continue to be your choice as well.

To demonstrate our ongoing commitment to you, we are offering a free  AR15 accessory of your choice. You can choose between the modifications and shooting aids listed below at NO CHARGE:

1. The Nightstalker threaded silencer. Death arrives with a whisper with this sound-dampening suppressor. 
2. The Nightvision laser dot sight for hitting your target in compromised light. Especially effective in urban settings where shadow and reflection can impede vision.
3. The 3-D human target with our patented carbon fiber FloGel designed to reseal target holes as you reload.
4. The Vigilante rotary feed ammo clip that doubles firing speed and accommodates armor-piercing bullets.
5. The Chameleon quick-change camouflage barrel sleeve. Blend your weapon into its surroundings wherever you engage. Choose from background patterns such as Central Park leafy green, Schoolhouse apple red, and Nightclub disco-ball metallic. Additionally, we offer the Stadium Swag barrel sleeve in your favorite sports team colors. Made of teflon, our proprietary camouflage sleeves can withstand the most intense barrel heat that fully automatic fire can generate.
6. The Abrams Gun Turret shooting stand. This handy portable device with telescoping legs and 360 degree swivel mount eliminates arm fatigue and enhances accuracy. The precision-machined gun mount allows the shooter to pivot efficiently to intercept enemy fire from multiple directions.
7. The Bang Master binary trigger system. This beautiful addition fires two rounds—once when you squeeze the trigger and a second upon the trigger’s return. Double what you put up and double what you take down.

Please consider accepting the above offer as our expression of gratitude for your ongoing loyalty during this unforeseen challenge. 

Despite this unanticipated setback, we urge you to exercise your Second Amendment right by proudly carrying your AR15 and using it when necessary. You can continue to count on us for a rapid fire response to every situation.


In solidarity,

Buddy Brewington, President
Tactical Arms Corporation

PS—Thoughts and prayers for victims of the Poway Synagogue mass shooting.